The injustice of it all....

Some days I want to walk up to every childless woman I know and ask her how she manages. Most days it's fine, but some days.... I always wanted to have children, always imagined my life with children, the things I would do that my parents didn't do the things they did, that I wouldn't do, the things I would share with them that my parents shared with me.

It was already pretty late in my life when I found someone to settle in with. I'm glad I waited because he is the perfect man for me. I was eager to start trying to have a family with him, but babies were not in the cards. For a lot of reasons we stopped trying at a certain point because we didn't want to take the paths that were our options. I couldn't do in vitro, I just couldn't. And adopting wasn't something that he was comfortable with.

So I let go of that vision for my life. It still makes me sad some days, hence the wanting to be nosy and ask a woman outright, does it hurt you too? Was this a free choice for you, or a forced choice? How do you fill that empty space? I can't help getting mad at the universe. My sister who never really imagined herself with children has three, all loved and cared for. All she has to do (literally) is go without protection once and she is pregnant. Where is the justice in that? Is it some kind of cosmic joke?

So I throw all of the energy I would have thrown at a child at my kiln. Some days this consumes me and it is the only way I can manage the sadness. Most days I forget the pain, forget the empty spot. My friends have stopped having babies for the most part. Approaching 50, we are less likely to be starting families. But every once in a while I catch a glimpse of an acquaintance or a friend with a small child, every once in a while I am bowled over by the child who is my goddaughter, and my heart breaks all over again.

Time to hit the studio...